ESSAY 2D Primal Release Action Painting
<<BACKTHE HEIM WOMEN
—a primal release, action painting
30" x 22" Enamel & acrylic on watercolor paper
The Heim Women is an expression that reflects a pivotal point in my life: embracing the essence of womanhood. My emotional experience during the process of creating this painting is the catalyst that put into motion the eventual severing of unspoken expectations with my childhood care givers and elders. Thank goodness it was an unexpected, spontaneous, life changing moment, if I had a choice I’m not sure I would’ve willingly stepped into the fire of family dynamics.
2021—Here, my story of that raw, emotional moment in my studio that rattled my bones all the way to a paradigm shift, is as powerful today as 30 years ago . . .
1989—in a state of blissful painting until a telephone conversation with a family member left me stirred with angst—now hesitant to paint filled with such emotion, suddenly I was pulled into the studio by a force greater than I. I grabbed an oversized brush dripping of paint and instantly, without thought let out a deep, vocal wailing—all of a sudden I found myself on the other side of a split second primal scream release. As I opened my eyes I noticed my lungs expanded with a big, full breath, never felt before . . . then I see a chaotic painting at my feet—aha, the recipient of an emotive gestural outburst. I immediately tried to wash the paint off with the garden hose, thinking salvage the paper, maybe an interesting under painting—however water moved very little of the paint. Assimilating what the !$%^&!**!!&^! just happened, I realized the angst vanished and an empowered sense of self filled a space that I just became aware of—had been occupied for so many years with quiet resentment, guilt, blame and anger. I felt like I just gave myself permission to vent in a positive, safe, creative environment. Wow, wow, wow . . . a catharsis guided by gut instinct and ultimately, a gift of forgiveness to myself and care givers. I must also mention at this time I am in therapy learning how to use expressive modalities of creativity to help emote a lifetime of pent up emotions—up to this point I have never had a spontaneous reaction such as this. Therapy > family dynamics 101, best investment ever.
I am deeply grateful that this moment in my studio set me on a new course of processing emotions instead of imploding, rising above it or sleep walking. I hope The Heim Women encourages you also . . . to live as an expressive Being, to live well in spite of unpleasant family dynamics, to be curious, kind, and at all costs, honor thy intelligence, sensuality, playfulness, creativity, and spiritual understanding (in whatever way that means for you) of The Creator and ones life purpose.
Per Ardua Ad Astra – Through adversity to the Stars
Essay revised August 1, 2021 | Originally published 1989
-- a primal release, action painting
30" x 22" Enamel & acrylic on watercolor paper
The Heim Women is an expression that reflects a pivotal point in my life: embracing the essence of womanhood. My emotional experience during the process of creating this painting is the catalyst that put into motion the eventual severing of unspoken expectations with my childhood care givers and elders. Thank goodness it was an unexpected, spontaneous, life changing moment, if I had a choice I’m not sure I would’ve willingly stepped into the fire of family dynamics.
2021—Here, my story of that raw, emotional moment in my studio that rattled my bones all the way to a paradigm shift, is as powerful today as 30 years ago . . .
1989—in a state of blissful painting until a telephone conversation with a family member left me stirred with angst—now hesitant to paint filled with such emotion, suddenly I was pulled into the studio by a force greater than I. I grabbed an oversized brush dripping of paint and instantly, without thought let out a deep, vocal wailing—all of a sudden I found myself on the other side of a split second primal scream release. As I opened my eyes I noticed my lungs expanded with a big, full breath, never felt before . . . then I see a chaotic painting at my feet—aha, the recipient of an emotive gestural outburst. I immediately tried to wash the paint off with the garden hose, thinking salvage the paper, maybe an interesting under painting—however water moved very little of the paint. Assimilating what the !$%^&!**!!&^! just happened, I realized the angst vanished and an empowered sense of self filled a space that I just became aware of—had been occupied for so many years with quiet resentment, guilt, blame and anger. I felt like I just gave myself permission to vent in a positive, safe, creative environment. Wow, wow, wow . . . a catharsis guided by gut instinct and ultimately, a gift of forgiveness to myself and care givers. I must also mention at this time I am in therapy learning how to use expressive modalities of creativity to help emote a lifetime of pent up emotions—up to this point I have never had a spontaneous reaction such as this. Therapy > family dynamics 101, best investment ever.
I am deeply grateful that this moment in my studio set me on a new course of processing emotions instead of imploding, rising above it or sleep walking. I hope The Heim Women encourages you also . . . to live as an expressive Being, to live well in spite of unpleasant family dynamics, to be curious, kind, and at all costs, honor thy intelligence, sensuality, playfulness, creativity, and spiritual understanding (in whatever way that means for you) of The Creator and ones life purpose.
Per Ardua Ad Astra – Through adversity to the Stars
Essay revised August 1, 2021 | Originally published 1989